HERE. I BITCH.

lights will guide you home

2007-12-22T19:17:02Z

potah i am starting to hate the song "fix you" because it makes me cry all the time and those damn lines make me realize so many things!!!!!

when you get what you want but not what you need.

i'm so oa. yuck! but because i like being oa, i will enjoy this feeling of "emptiness" and being "lost" and waiting for him to "fix me". hay! sumo!

its the holidays. and im spending another holiday away from my family. i guess that explains this entry.

or maybe i should stop listening to coldplay.

okay, i'm now listening to 'my immortal'--one jologs song i hate so much but "he still has all of me." hahahahah pakdatshit!

keeps going and going and going and going....

2007-12-13T16:28:46Z

i want to know what its like to be that "energizer bunny". yeps, the one that keeps on going and going and going and going. why? becuase i am so exhausted, as in i-want-to-sleep-all-day exhausted!!!! since i started working i haven't slept for more than 5 hours. well, except last weekend.

BUT

i still like going to work everyday. i have two crushes there! hahahah! ohmy! =)

life is easy

2007-12-09T08:29:22Z

okay im lying. life is NOT easy, i just want to think it's easy.
i guess you just have to know what really makes you happy then take it from there.

i really don't know what's my point though. haha. im just so mad while writing my previous (locked) entry. sigh. human beings. they suck, we all suck! hahahaha!

so my friend finally told me he's gay. and it was all good. i love him more now that he's being true to himself. i am so proud. so yung mga closet queens jan, magsilabasan na kayo, ang dami nyo na sa closet baka nagsisik-sikan na kayo! hahaha! literal e noh?

soooo, work is so much fun. long hours but fun. tiring but fulfilling. i am proud that i finally have a job that i like. yeah, like muna. haha! this is the first time i feel good about what i do and i know i am actually good at it. =)

and little by little i am losing weight. yey! i guess this shows that i am not depressed anymore. god, chronic depression is such a bitch!

ronarons @ 2007-11-30T00:45:00

2007-11-29T17:05:42Z

I now remember the reason for this lj being my "other" blog. As the title says, here i bitch. Altho i also whine nd bitch like a pathetic loser in my blogspot but i cant go all the way cuz people i care about read it. If i say i am so fucking weak and i need to vent out they all panic and call me and ask for blow by blow details of my sad little life. When i say i like this new boy, everyone reacts and will do everything to find out who that lucky bastard is. Haha! And when i tell them it's over between me and bom, my mother calls him and asks how things are. If i say i am lost, confused and tired, people offer so many things from a shoulder to cry on to coffee date and i don't like it cuz i feel like i am so helpless. These are people are family and friends and an ex boyfriend. And there are some thoughts and ideas that i dont need to share to them (cuz they're all overprotective of me and they tend to over react, ie, my mother!)

so what do i need to shout to the world knowing that no one would dare give me violent reactions?? Hehe!

1. My dreams. My dreams of becoming a waitress, of serving people, of becoming a public relations officer, of becoming a volunteer in africa, of teaching english in thailand or cambodia, of feeding dolphins in plattenberg bay. I see people react differently when i say this. One person even said "ano ba yan rona, mashado mong pinababa ang sarili mo. From IT to PR?" i was thisclose to ask him if he is happy and fulfilled with his job but i chose not to. you may have a very high salary but at the end of the day it's not the money that counts.

2. my ideals of love. why i am not capable of saying i love you. why i do not exert effort in a relationship. why i do not understand his job. why i dont cook for him and iron his office clothes. why i can't and would never give him a massage. why i dont get him gifts. why im so sigurista even if i know ive already fallen. its easy. i do not want to invest in a man when i know that he is not the one i am going to marry. why invest on something when you know you can't have anyway? i cannot give all of myself because when heartbreak comes and there's nothing left of me, not even strength, i might die.

3. my ideals of dating. you like me, i like you, let's get together. no i love you's on first dates, no saying "yes, i can be your girlfriend" phrases, no drama.

4. my thoughts on philippine politics (which is all bs by the way). this admin-opposition will never end regardless of who the president is. as long as you put greedy and corrupt people up there, there will always be trouble. and as long as people keep on disrespecting their motherland, no good will ever happen to this republic. and for once, stop asking farmers to go to rallies in makati! they have a land to till and not a president to oust. ousting a president is a waste of time and won't feed their families!

5. gay people. why do they have to hide their sexuality? i know i wouldn't understand until i become lesbian and would have a hard time telling my family and friends and would question everyday if i'd be accepted or not. i'm just saying, just come out because it'll make people respect and love you more. stop living a life of lies.

whew! yun lang!

im back!

2007-11-29T10:59:06Z

so im back from my (uber dramatic) vacation in manila. my 5-day stay was all good and i had so much fun seeing old friends. i TRIED to fix things with someone but i failed. and i am moving on. it hurts but i know i am okay.

i will start working on monday. i have been bumming for almost four months now and i can NOT wait any longer!!!!

i have so many things to do, from healing to losing weight. hahaha! there's so much baggage i am carrying and all i need to do is let go and enjoy my new life here in sg.

out of my four prayers, He granted me two. both flights were safe and i only didn't get a glimpse of my crush, there was so much more than just a glimpse! hahahaha! high school! perhaps the other two were not meant to be, there was superbagyo so we didn't get to hit beach and bom and i didn't get back together officially, he said we'll see when he moves in with me here in sg. but it was nice to spend three wonderful nights with him.

i am homesick here but i am not lost anymore. confused but i am getting better. i am positive i am getting there. =)

two more lonely nights...

2007-11-18T16:55:56Z

.....before i get to manila! haha! tonight is not counted because i don't think i can sleep with all my thoughts about the philippines! hahahaha it feels like ive been away for years and i miss everything and everyone terribly!!!!

i pray for a safe flight.
i pray for a safe land and boat trip to the beach.
i pray that we are going to get back together =)
if not, i pray that i might as well catch a glimpse of my crush! haha! =)

i pray that i won't rebook my flight back to sg! hahahah! kidding!

syet im so excited i cant sleep!!

=)

2007-11-16T17:13:44Z

I spoke to him for 10 minutes. 10 good minutes. Its our longest (phone) talktime since i left manila. We talk on ym but its not counted. I realize i miss him. I really really miss him.

he said he cant come for the holidays cuz he needs to complete his portfolio which he will be using when applying jobs here in february. He also has an ongoing project where he's the project architect or something like that. He can't leave until that damn house is done!

To keep our conversation going, i asked him how his project is doing. As always, he knew I wasn't interested about his project. I don't understand a thing about architecture anyway. If he tells me an all-out detail point by point progess of this project I'd be fast asleep or deliberately change topic right away. So he brushed off the question and said "Badiha, murag interesado ka sa akong trabaho. Sturyahan man taka karon nah!" (taglish: shut up, its like you're interested with what i do. kwento ko kaya sayo?) i'm sure for some it's offensive, but for me it was funny. I changed topic right away just so he wouldn't tell me about that project. I swear i can never be interested with his job even if all these self-help relationship books tell me that you have to know what your partner is doing (careerwise) for you to understand him better. Ay bullshit, i can understand my man without even knowing what he does in his office.

anyway.

february is 3 months away. I cant wait for us to live together again. A total of six months without bom at home is quite sad and lonely.

i just cant wait for him to be here.

whats going on

2007-11-16T09:06:50Z

its supposed to be a happy day because i got roundtrip tickets to manila next week. BUT. things have change for the last three months that i've been away.

1. there's going to be a beach trip. and im going on that trip with the usual people. except that these usual people don't want other people to join the trip. i don't know what went wrong. we've been out of town altogether, the usual and other people. wala lang, i just want everyone to get along in this trip.

2. tanginang last pay yan. i swear. people from finance team are stupid, morons, idiots and everything related to retarded-ness. its been three months and i don't know how they compute my fucking last pay. its not a huge amount at all, i dont understand the delay.

3. mashadong madaming pakialamero sa mundo thats why people push needy pakialameros away. period. (you never bothered na makialam when i was in the country, now that i'm away, you're being too close and i dont like it, so please go away)

this trip is agitating me.

hay

2007-11-15T20:33:31Z

today is the most sad day of my life. i miss my family so much. i just want to go back home. =(

wow

2007-11-08T17:06:43Z

wow its been a month since my last (locked) entry! (im over that and we're good friends now)

i think i should be updating livejournal more often. i have been writing in blogspot so much even if i dont feel like writing (and sharing to everyone) about how i really feel. i post because i'm bored.

so how am i?

i have job now! yipppeee! but i haven't started yet. i am still waiting for my employment pass and they say it'll take a week or two. sometimes even three. i won't stop praying for patience. this waiting time gives me more time to think about going home for several days. i don't know yet. i might settle in so much in manila and find myself very comfortablly at home. i might have a hard time leaving again. so yea, i think i'll stay. i'm good here. i am doing great! naiinip or sa bisaya "dili nako kahulat" but i am trying to be patient.

hay, emotional rollercoaster ang last two months. i was thisclose to surrendering and go home to camiguin. i am so thankful i have enough friends who supported me all the way. and my every amazing mother superior who offered masses for me.

in the heart department, i think i am okay as well. boom is in makati, working hard so we could follow me here. but i am not expecting much. we can never can tell sabi pa ni ara mina. haha! seriously though, i dont think i should waste my time to committing to someone. i am incapable of it and i am a terrible girlfriend. i should focus on my career. haha! but i have a crush, of course i have a crush! hahaha! pero crush lang! lol! wtf, so high school!

i miss my family. i miss my high school friends. i miss gxs. i miss good old the buzz chismis. i miss everything about the philippines but i love it here! i can't call this place my home yet but i have a positive vibe about sg. =)

hay

2007-09-29T04:15:30Z

so im in singapore now looking for a job. and it's been two weeks. i am this close to getting inip but no, i shouldn't feel inip or anything that would make me go back to the philippines. two days ago i applied for 241 appointments in jobsdb.com. the other day i sent out 74 emails to headhunters. someone called from HP and she said she's gonna call back. im still waiting for that call. i know waiting is stressful and tiring, but this is different. i hate the uncertainty and all that.

okay, i'm a bit lost now. still trying to find that "place" for myself. sometimes i stop and think "why am i here?". i mean really. why did i leave my easy life in makati? in gxs? but then i know deep down that i wasn't happy there anymore. yes i have friends who are always there for me and i love them so much. but careerwise? i do not feel fulfilled. IT is jut not my thing. and the corporate world drives me crazy!

i cannot forget the words from my boss during the last meeting i attended in gxs (on my last day pa!) "when there's change, there's instability." true enough. it's self explanatory. when there's change, there's instability. =)

okay, gotta go take some medicine now. my head's turning from all the cranberry vodka that this 40+ year old keanu reeves look a like architect bought us. he probably has a family back home. tsk tsk tsk. not to generalize but, men talaga, specifically those who are away and they pretend to be "single". although i can't blame them. let's face it, when the night is cold and you're all alone... and so they say, the rest is history! hahaha!

finally!!!!

2007-08-29T19:19:27Z

i am in cdo! finally!!!! =)

i may be unemployed and lost now but i somehow feel proud that i finally resigned from gxs. no, i am not happy about it. pride and happiness are two different things. well, at least for me. i am sad because im leaving my closest friends and my 2nd home. but i feel proud because i am finally moving on to something bigger, something that's good for me, and i've finally gotten out of my comfort zone. someone told me once that you will never succeed if you do not get out of our comfort zone and go out there and see the world or something like that. basta you get the gist. i miss my gxs family so much. i look at our pix all the time and i still cry everyeffingtime!!!

so anyway. i was in camiguin for about a week. anj insists i went there cuz of some boy problem. well this time it's not about a boy. back in college i used to go there when i have boy problems, like when angelo and i broke up, that break up made me stay there for almost a month. actually it wasn't just me. when anj and pao were on the rocks, she sailed to camiguin. when tessa's fiance got cold feet, she was praying the novena by the beach at the back of our house in camiguin for a week! but that was college. im all grown up and i dont effing care about boys anymore. i can go to camiguin anytime i want to because it's my home and i feel safe there.

now im in cdo and its so fukcing init!!!! when i left manila the weather was cold, a cuddle cuddle weather. i spoke to b1 this morning and i told him i miss the weather in manila. hahah. he was like "what?!?!?". cdo weather is weird. it's sunny and it drizzles both at the same time. and there's something about cdo that i don't like. i don't feel very safe here. whenever i go out, i don't see familiar faces anymore. before i could go out anytime i want, be it taking a cab or jeepney or trike. now, i dont think i can commute here alone at all. and when people are carless on a friday night i have nothing else to do but stay at home and stalk people online! letch!!!

ok, too many reklamo. seriously though i am happy to be here. i am happy to see my mother everyday, eating meals together and all that mother-daughter shiz. i may be lost now but i know i'll get by. i dont know whats instore for me, yet. i don't think im staying here for long though. i can't stay in one place for long cuz it makes me crazy. im also thankful i have my high school friends too. they're the best and i love them sooo much!

hay. it's time to say THANK YOU LORD for the wonderful and safe years in manila. i didn't go to church that much and i never went to confession there. now that i'm in cdo, i think i need to be more catholic, or at least be spiritual man lang. thank You again for all the blessings. i feel that contentment is in my heart now.

=(

2007-07-17T06:36:44Z

i wanna go home to cdo asap. mother is home alone cuz her maid went home already and our driver goes home to his family in the evening. last night i wasn't able to sleep well cuz i cannot stop thinking about her. she's alone at home and i always keep thinking, what if something bad happens to her? who will help her? who will she eat breakfast with? if she gets sick, who will bring her to the hospital. i spoke to her this morning and i was crying nonstop when she told me she was up crying all night. she told me she was scared and that she misses me, brent and jerry. my mother is 50 and i think she's never slept alone before her entire life. when brent and i are in cdo, we'd sleep beside her. when she's here in manila, we share the same bed at brent's condo. we have five rooms in our house in camiguin but we all sleep in one room. i miss terribly and this breaks my heart!

FINALLY!!!

2007-07-15T23:38:37Z

i finally submitted that resignation i made last year. haha! =) and man it feels good!!! =) i had a quite few celebrations on that very memorable day. it was freedom day so i treated myself to the salon and very painful facial. haha! i shopped and ate and drank and smoked. grabe i never felt this good!!! i dont know but i feel so relieved and excited! haha!

and there's someone. haha! =)

sucks

2007-07-10T03:02:15Z

i hate my sleeping habit. my body clock is out of control. and i do not know what time lunch is.

this month my shift's at 6 am - 3pm.
im so ONDA (on the dot) that i leave the office at exactly 3:01.
i get home at around 3:10.
i change clothes, fix my bed, brush my teeth and drink cold water in 20 minutes.
at 3:30 i'm already in my bed fast asleep.
bom wakes me up when he gets home at 11pm.
by 11:30 i couldn't go back to sleep cuz of hunger so i get up and order mcdonalds delivery.
then lie down at around 1am and sleep again.
i wake up at 2.
i sleep again at 2:30.
i wake up at 3:30 and couldn't sleep anymore.
from 3:30 to 5, i watch friends reruns.
i take a bath at 5 and prepare for work.
at 5:50 i press my finger onto the biometrics for log in.
and at 9am i bitch about how sleepy i am!

i hate this!

aaackk!!

2007-07-04T01:53:54Z

at 2 am

ex: what's up?
me: im at home. trying to sleep. u?
ex: i have a meeting here in makati. wanna meet after?
me: ya, just text me when you're done.
ex: are you sleepy na ba? are you alone? can i drop by?
me: im not sleeping anymore. i have work at 6am.
ex: can i drop by?
me: no. let's meet somewhere else. coffee?
ex: why? are you not alone.
me: no im not alone.
ex: i'll text you.

3 hours later

ex: im drunk and i really want to see you.

WTF!!!!

work sucks

2007-06-22T16:03:22Z

let me talk about my sinking team again.

we're supposed to be 4 tonight. four. four people.

1 is having her day off
1 called in sick
1 came in at 11:30 PM when the shifts at 9

i came earlier than my normal login time. i came in at 9:10 instead of 10:30! yes an hour and a half late is so not new to this team. i came in early because i HAD good vibes about work today.

so yes, this team is going down!!!!!

my team of 14

2007-06-21T19:30:43Z

we started out with 14 people in my team.
we handle 52 clients.

1 left around september last year.
2 was transferred to a different team 3 months ago for supposedly cross-training (but we suspect they're not coming back anymore).
2 was transferred again to the europe team.
1 filed resignation cuz she didn't want to be in the europe team.

3 are resigning next month.

i pray that i will be that 4th person who will resign next month.

i am sorry i know this company feeds me and pays my rent and utility bills but i swear i am so sick of doing the same shit everyday!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wow

2007-06-20T21:38:41Z

its been 2 months since my last post here! i log on to livejournal everyday and read the friends page then i log out.

so i have been busy. i cried as the heartbreak brought me down to my knees. i was happy when anj got married (and i was the maid of honor!) and my 2 week vacation slash bday celebration slash annual holiday with my friends was a perfect bliss.

so now i have 5 things to worry or should i say give importance to these days.

1. i am the most spineless person when it comes to decision making. i liked it when i was younger. back when i used to decide basing on how i feel and what my current mood is. now, i have to think about other stuff--is it the truth? does it benefit to all concerned? haha!

2. confusion is the sole reason why i cant' decide right now. and confusion is not good. it's bad, bad, bad! shit i don't even know what's the confusion all about.

3. i have two weeks left. i have to submit resignation in two weeks becuase i have stuff on do on july 19th. actually i have to submit today cuz i have yet to serve 30 days before the effectivity of my resignation. i hate this corporate world!!!

4. how can you tell a man that you cannot commit to a, well, committed relationship just yet because you are seeing others boys too. and you still share the same bed with your ex boyfriend, who happens to hump you occassionally in the middle of the night (haha kidding!) please advise.

5. people can be very disappointing. i don't know if they're doing it to purposely annoy me. it's just sad when someone can't keep his promise and i have to fucking go through my ym archive just to remind him about his promises.

good day

2007-04-10T20:06:54Z

an ex came over to see my place for the first time today.

and i had 30 minutes to shower, clean the place and put on decent clothes.

he parked right outside my building. he parked his car real straight when it says diagonal parking. classic.

i know i really shouldn't care since i'm not trying to impress him or something but i was hoping he'd say something nice like appreciate me for being independent and um, being mature (?!?)

he looked around and suggested that a little sweeping of the floor wouldn't hurt. i once again informed him that i live with boys that's why the place is messy. he said "just sweep."

it's my first time to have an ex boyfriend over my place. the first one wasn't counted cuz he dropped by with his girlfriend.

it's nice to have a male visitor at home. i never really had a man visit me at home since bom and i got together. i missed that feeling.

now that i'm single, i'd like my men to visit me at home. although it would have to be during daytime cuz i don't want to be in a awkward situation where bom is around and i'm entertaining my future boyfriend. lol! =)

5 things

2007-04-07T14:57:32Z

1. i have finally accepted that i am not cut out for long term relationships. 2 years and i'm done. i have this 'relationship pattern' where i become a crazy, paranoid, stressful and restless girlfriend once we reach our 2nd year. it's becoming a vicious cycle already.

2. no man can ever handle me. as in no one. it's either he's too weak or too insensitive for me.

3. i am in the process of accepting that i am going to be alone for the rest of my life. i will become a beautiful old maid one day.

4. there are four stages after a break up. 1. denial; 2. acceptance; 3. healing; 4. insanity

5. friendster and text messaging are two evil evil things.

thinking aloud

2007-03-01T21:23:38Z

because i have a lot in mind i just wanna list down what these things are....

1. am i ready to move to singapore? am i ready to leave my life in makati? am i ready to detach myself from my current company? (that includes the people as well! )

2. will i make it there?

3. a lot of my high school batchmates are getting married and raising kids and everytime i talk to them they seem happy, fulfilled, and, ummm, settled. it scares me cuz i think i'm having the time of my life but i also think i'm lonely and unstable because at 24 i couldn't even get a decent relationship. it's not like i wanna settle down already but i just want that feeling of being secure in a relationship you know. shit, i suck. i'm so insecure right now.

4. you cannot please everybody. punyeta, when will i ever learn that?!?

5. mother superior is turning 50 this year. i mean wow!!!! amazing! and it also scares me that she might get married this year. at the same time i'm happy for her since it's been over 10 years since her annullment from my dad.

6. people are asking questions. and it's funny cuz i don't know the answer.

7. but yea, i think he does like me. ehehe :p

shit, i need a man who could sweep me off my feet so i could forget all my boy problems right now. i need someone new. someone who doesn't know me. someone who doesn't know my weakness. someone who doesn't know my strengths. someone like sa katong unfaithful na movie bitaw! HAHAHAH!!!

and today is the most pathetic day of my life!!!

matod pa sa akong inahan, "sus rona joanne, lalake ra imung problema? wala ka ga problema na baynte kuatro na ka wala pa ka'y savings? and that dili ka happy sa imung job?" and then my ever favorite line that i get from her everyday "at this age you should know what to do with your life!" um, ma, actually i don't. so god help me!

mixed emotions

2007-02-13T13:33:51Z

i am saddened by our break up. i kinda miss him but i know i deserve to be happy.
i want to fall in love all over again. i want to feel that 'magic' i haven't felt for the longest time. i know if we decide to get back together it still won't make any difference. the passion is long gone. and i know that pushing too hard to make this dysfunctinal relationship work is not a good at all. it's stressful, exhausting, and simply not right.

so ye, i want to fall in love again. with someone else. someone i do not know yet. it might be somebody i meet in singapore this week. or some random guy i see in the streets. or someone from my past. or maybe a really good friend of mine. it could be our neighbor or my college classmate. i don't know. i just want to feel 'it' again. i want to gush and blush and be giddy and smile and be happy and kilig and cry tears of joy and fight sweetly and say sorry and make up and kiss and be possessive and be jealous. i want to be able to text and call him anytime to know where he is and how he's doing. i want a man who eats supper with me and takes me to the movies or to a park or just anywhere on weekends. i want to be in a normal relationship with a man who has a normal life, who doesn't live his life in the office. i want a man who has a balance lifestyle, who drinks, who can go dancing with me, and who's really good with his craft. i want a man who has a life. a man who gives importance to his relationships--family, girlfriend, friends, and officemates. most of all, i want a man who goes to church on sundays with me.

most of all, i want a man who could make me happy. and of course i'd also want to know if i'm making him happy as well. =) i am excited to be with this kind of man! (although i know he doesn't exist, but who knows?! hehe!)

anyway, happy valentines everyone!!!! =) stay in love and be happy! =)

feeling good

2007-02-10T08:29:33Z

i've decided what to do with my life now. finally. =)

i am free and happy.

=)

2007-02-06T15:27:20Z

wala lang. i wanna put smileys everywhere! hahaha! especially in my blogspot, but then people (my mother superior and the likes) are being so fucking chismoso and they wanna know what's up with those smileys.

well, actually, everything's up right now. i have high spirits and i am smiling!!!! =)